What do people go through when they lose a job? What do they think about? How do they feel? How about during the search for a new role? As they interview? When they’re at home wondering what the next day will bring?

People ask these questions because they want to know if their feelings and thoughts are normal or typical of what others go through when they have lost their jobs. Is it o.k., they ask, to be feeling sad, or angry, hopeless or excited? How long will they feel this way? What will they feel next?

Leaving one job and looking for a new one is a big deal – whether it is something we decided to do or something that was decided for us. We connect to our jobs, and hopefully, find a healthy level of meaning and satisfaction in what we do. We make relationships with the people we work with, and we invest physical, mental, and emotional energy into what we do. So, when a job ends, we usually experience it as a major change and react to it as we would any other significant loss.

We each react to loss or change in our very own way, depending on our personal situation: our family life, structure, and support system(s); our age and health; our frame of mind before the change; our level of preparedness or anticipation of the change; our past reactions to and experiences with change; and what options we have. Therefore, what we feel, how strongly we feel it, and what we think about will vary from event to event, and from person to person.

That being said, some states of mind are more typical than others. For example, a popular theory developed by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross suggests that people suffering from a terminal illness or another catastrophic loss might experience thoughts and feelings described as the following five stages: “denial”, “anger”, “bargaining”, “depression”, and “acceptance”. Kübler-Ross was very clear that not everyone will experience each of these five stages, nor do these stages have to be experienced in the order in which they are listed. But, this theory is a good place to start. Before we can deal with a particular state of mind, we need to identify it, accept it, and understand it. Borrowing from this theory and applying it to the loss of a job, these five stages might be experienced as follows:

Denial – Either the change or loss hasn’t ‘sunk in’ or we simply choose not to acknowledge it. “I’m fine! “Eh, I’ll think about this next week”. “Nothing’s happened; it’s no big deal!” We deny to ourselves or to others that something significant has occurred. If we acknowledge the event, we minimize the impact it has on us, which allows us to avoid thinking or feeling anything related to the change.

Anger – This is where the language can get colourful. We ask “why me?” and/or are outraged at how unfair the situation is or how wrong the decision was. We can get angry with ourselves as well as others. “I can’t believe those *$#!* did this to me!”, “Those idiots, what are they thinking?”, or “I can’t believe how I screwed up. I’m the idiot!”. The anger felt can be very powerful or it might be mild.

Bargaining – We hope that things can change back to what they were, or we can negotiate a much better outcome. “I bet if I just talked to them and explained, they’d change their mind.” “Maybe if I offer to take a cut in pay they can afford to keep me”.

Depression – We feel sad, regret, fear, and uncertainty. We are weighed down by the change, and don’t feel particularly powerful or able to take action. We feel doubt and perhaps dread. “I don’t know what to do.” “I’m such a loser.” “I don’t know if I’ll be able to find anything else. I’m not qualified for much.”

Acceptance – We come to terms with the change or loss. We do what we can do, and accept what we can’t do anything about. “Okay, this is what I’m going to do.” “I’m focused on moving on. I want to get going.”

We might also expect to feel other emotions or think other thoughts:

Excitement – although the change wasn’t welcome, the opportunity for something new or different looks interesting and inviting.

Relief – we didn’t like the job all that much, but didn’t know how to leave it.

Hurt – perhaps we weren’t consulted about the change or it was made in an abrupt or in a way we think was thoughtless. We were friends with those who made the decision – how could they do this?

Shock or Disbelief – we never saw this coming.

The list goes on. We should expect that a whole range of emotions and thoughts will pass by our internal radar screen. Some will keep moving and others will stop and stay for a while. Some emotions will come and go, only to reappear later when we least expect it. It is very important that we keep this in mind: emotion is just information. It is very useful information, but it is just simply telling us something. Thoughts are also just that – thoughts. They are ideas, conclusions, perspectives, opinions, and they are not always based on facts or are the truths we often decide they are. Therefore, we must be careful not to get tied up in either our emotions or our thoughts – certainly, until we understand and verify them.

If you are in this situation – if you are going through the loss of a job and/or the search for a new role – do your best to move through the frustration, worry, anger, resentment, sadness, excitement, regret, relief, or hurt that you feel. These are states of mind and body that will make themselves known in your job search and will impede or even prevent you achieving success. Roll with the emotions, try to understand them and their cause, and keep moving forward. If you are stuck with a thought or feeling, allow a trusted friend or therapist to help you get ‘unstuck’. As the saying goes, “let go, or be dragged”.