Something happens. Or some tough thoughts or feelings aren’t going away. How do you know if now is the time to get support through therapy? What’s involved? How do you know which therapist is right for you? Will it help?

It’s time to get support through therapy when your experience of frustration, stress, hurt, anger, or sadness is not going away on its own. Importantly, it’s time to get support when you’re ready to make personal or professional changes because you’ve recognized that whatever is going on isn’t working for you anymore. You don’t have to know what those changes need to be; that’s part of the work we do in therapy. Facing troubling thoughts and feelings and discussing painful or embarrassing events are going to involve some level of discomfort. But whatever discomfort you may experience is likely to pale in comparison to the discomfort you’re living with now.

You and I will enter into a series of confidential, safe, and open discussions with the goal of resolving your concerns. How long those discussions go on depends on the issues and the readiness you feel to share your story, consider the events surrounding your concerns, and create change. I will provide you with tools & strategies, perspective, ideas, guidance, and encouragement. Psychotherapy is a process that can take time – much like the time it takes to see results when we start a new exercise regime. However, each session – like each workout – contributes importantly to the overall goal.
You are with the right therapist if you feel a connection with them, are comfortable, feel understood, and are treated with respect. Ask your potential therapist about his/her approach, credentials, and experience with your issue.

Will your family or friends find out you’re in therapy? No, not unless you tell them (your time with me is strictly confidential). And will it help? Absolutely it will – when you are willing to explore and try out new thoughts, behaviour, habits, and approaches. To quote Maya Angelou: “When you know better you do better.”

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I recently got a “first hand” reminder about the benefits of adaptation. Adaptation to is key to coping, and coping is ultimately a key to happiness. Here’s what happened.

In March, I was lucky enough to spend a week in the Galapagos – an archipelago of volcanic islands distributed around the equator in the Pacific Ocean, just under a thousand km west of Ecuador. March is the peak of the “hot and humid season” in these islands, and yes indeed, it was darn hot and it was darn humid.

The Galapagos Islands are known for the influence they had on Charles Darwin and his work on natural selection and environmental adaptation. He theorized why some animals survived – and thrived – and why some didn’t. I don’t know if Mr. Darwin found the islands as hot as we all did, but the temperature did get me thinking about evolution, survival of the fittest, and handling day-to-day stressors.

After only one day in the heat (averaging around 37C/99F), we figured out pretty quickly that there was no point in trying to stay dry, cool, or neatly pulled together. Struggling against the environment was pointless and stress and fuss were not on the itinerary. So, environmental adaptation – giving in to the heat and giving up on any sense of fashion – was the only option. We were free to enjoy ourselves, and the heat!, once we changed our thinking about how we’d manage.

I thought further about how adaptation lends itself to how well we thrive in our day-to-day lives:

The more we adapt to our environment the better we cope.
• We pick our battles. With limited resources, we need to understand what we can change around us; what we’re willing to change within us; and/or what we have no power (or right) to change at all. We adapt – one way or another – or we stay miserable.

The better we cope, the more resilient we become.
• When we cope effectively in one area, we spill that skill over into another area, and so on. Coping doesn’t mean we won’t experience any discomfort or annoyance; rather, it means that we don’t get caught up in it and we push ahead despite of whatever is going on.

The more resilient we get, the less anxious (stressed) we are.
• We feel anxious or stressed when we think we can’t cope with what’s going on or with what we imagine could happen. When we’re confident in our ability to cope, there’s less to worry about.

The less anxious we are, the stronger we feel and the more we thrive.
• Anxiety and stress divert our energy, thoughts, behaviour, and attention away from healthy, positive pursuits. Stress messes up our bodies, relationships, perspective and use of time. Thriving requires that we focus all of these things on not only survival, but on enjoying what we’re doing.

In sum: evaluate your environment (or situation); decide how best you can cope (change, manage, or leave the situation &/or change your thoughts about the situation); more coping leads to better resiliency (building up coping ‘muscles’); better resiliency builds more confidence and less anxiety; less stress leads to a better quality of life → you thrive.

Mark Granovetter’s Theory: “The Strength of Weak Ties”

Or put differently, why you want to create a business community for yourself that includes people with whom you don’t usually interact.

Professor Mark Granovetter is widely known for his work in social network theory, particularly his theory on the spread of information in social networks. Information fuels our careers. We need current, meaningful, diverse, and reliable information in order to make choices, find jobs, determine preferences, choose targets, secure new clients, retain existing clients, and add-value at every turn. “Strong ties” often provide information you may already have; “weak ties” are a source we can’t overlook:

- Close friends are your “strong ties” and are part of a densely knit set of individuals who very likely interact with one another socially and professionally.

- Acquaintances, and certainly those who you do not know well, are “weak ties”. Where there are weak ties, there is a “low density” network, one in which possible relationships are few as weak ties are less likely to be socially involved with one another than strong ties.

- According to Granovetter, “acquaintances – as compared to close friends – are more prone to move in different circles than oneself.” Our current friends and business colleagues are likely to move in similar or overlapping circles. The information within those circles is likely to be “much the same as that which one already knows”. Therefore, when you interact solely with your “strong ties”, you are not likely to expose yourself to new ideas, new contacts, new opportunities, and new information.

Networking with “weak ties” – new people from entirely different circles, professions, and/or communities – ensures that you are exposed to new ideas and opportunities, which is vital to one’s career.

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It is frustrating, exhausting, and frightening to care for someone you love who is dealing with a severe illness, dementia, a bad injury, or some other tremendous personal hardship. It is also rewarding, enlightening, and life changing in many positive ways. Our relationship with the person who is ill may become strengthened or fractured; so too will relationships with family members and friends, depending on their role in our lives and/or in the life of the patient.

Treatment, recovery or palliative care can be a long process for which we’re advised to ‘pace ourselves’ so that we don’t burnout out. How much easier is this to say than to do! To pace ourselves implies that we can foreshadow what lies ahead and allocate our time and energy accordingly. Anyone who has been a caregiver knows that it’s almost impossible to predict what the next day will bring. The patient’s physical, emotional, and/or mental health can be up or down – and so might our own, medical resources may be cooperative and available – or not, and then there’s all of that which is “regular living” to be managed and enjoyed.

How to cope? Please consider the following:

• “Time off” is not a privilege, but a necessity. Take it when you can, as often as you can. This requires that you…
• … accept help and support from the people around you. Others can do what needs to be done just as well as you can, albeit perhaps differently. Don’t be a martyr – it’s not helping anyone including the patient. As the saying goes, “get off the cross, we need the wood”.
• Be alert to the signs of depression, anxiety, and excessive stress and allow yourself to get professional help when you need it.
• As you can, be there for doctor’s appointments and visits with specialists. Knowing as much as you can about the situation, the condition, and the options will reduce the stress of the unknown and empower you and the patient to make the right decisions.
• Find the humor. With the right timing and sensitivity, there will be many opportunities to laugh at the circumstances. The human condition can be unpleasant and awkward, and humor can help cope with an otherwise embarrassing situation.
• Get as much sleep, good food, and exercise as you can. If you are spending a lot of time in a hospital, take frequent walks outside to get sunlight and fresh air to revive and energize yourself. Go easy on the hospital cafeteria or coffee shop. A steady diet of caffeine and donuts might make you the next patient.
• Allow your friends to support you with their presence. Seek out the people who will listen to you compassionately and fully so you can unload.
• On that note, allow yourself to feel the emotions that you are feeling. Accept that you will feel angry and frustrated. Enjoy it when you’re feeling hopeful and happy.

If any of this applies to you, I give you my kindest regards and wish you and your patient all of the best for comfort and healing.

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Are you currently looking for a new role? A solid job search strategy includes the following critical elements: a firm understanding of your strengths, skills, and “value-add”; an inventory of your work preferences, values, likes, and dislikes; the tools with which to communicate what you bring to the table (including your resume, speaking points, your Linked In profile, interview answers, and your “elevator speech”); and an understanding of the role that networking, recruiters, headhunters, and on-line job boards play.

My experience is that many people shy away from networking. Either they see it as a lot of work, or they don’t want to put themselves ‘out there’. Many job seekers prefer to look on-line, or hope that a recruiter will find them a job. Both these channels play a valuable role in your search – but only a small role.

On-line postings receive hundreds of applicants and when you send in your resume, it’s carrying the weight of doing the speaking for you. Recruiters or headhunters work for the company that hired them (not you) – matching the assignment (job opening) with the right candidate. It is not the role of a headhunter to help someone determine what job they should pursue or to help them find that job. Some very good headhunters might help you, but no one will be as interested – and or as invested – in finding you the right job as you.

Networking is the best way to get input, investigate options, rule-in and rule-out possibilities, and connect to an industry’s “word of mouth” community that will lead you to the right people and the right job. Fortunately, networking can be enjoyable, if not fun. Really! Connecting with people for the purposes of sharing information and learning about opportunities is not hard if you go into it with a little preparation.

What is Networking?
Networking is the activity of making, nurturing, and keeping connections. Networking builds and sustains your professional community. It is about making yourself known and interacting with a broad range of people who you can help and who can help you. Networking is not about asking for a job, nor is it simply a job search activity. It is also not a ‘one-way’ activity. Networking is about managing your “brand” – what people think about you, what you are known for, and what people can expect from you.

Why Network
Connecting with people for the purposes of sharing information is how you will attract and retain business, forge enjoyable working and personal relationships, and create a supportive and interesting community around yourself. If you are conducting a job search, networking allows you to expand your knowledge and stay current with industry news, events, and trends. You can also find out about opportunities that are just in the consideration stage or get an “inside” edge by making contact within a company.

Networking Tips:
• Network to keep current, to find out about new opportunities, and to learn and share information

• Network with everyone* – Everyone has something to share and can be a good source of insight, another connection, or advice. (I’m going to qualify “everyone”. Recently, I was asked if we should network with people that we don’t like or people who don’t like us. I don’t see the point of that. First of all, connecting with people you don’t get along with doesn’t sound like too much fun. Also, when we network, we are opening ourselves (professionally, at least) to other people. If the other person is not likely to say positive things about you or support your goals, then pass them by and look for another connection).
(* I have been asked by someone if they should network with people that they either don’t like, or with someone who doesn’t like them. The answer is a qualified no. No – if the other person is not willing or able to support you in a positive way, then you – and they – stand little to gain by forging a relationship. If, however, there’s an opportunity to rectify the relationship – set things right and/or repair issues that have caused problems, then yes, go ahead).

• When you’re looking for a new job, be prepared. Have in mind what you want to say: what is your story and game plan? What are you interested in doing? What information or connections would be helpful? Ensure that your engagement with the other person is a good use of their time and yours

• Always plan to give back or pay-it-forward. Make networking a mutually beneficial activity. Support other people’s efforts to connect and share information

• Enjoy networking. There are many different ways to make and keep connections. Find a way that suits you and is effective in sustaining your professional community.

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Exercise is one of the best things we can do for ourselves when we’re feeling stressed. However, when we’re over-scheduled, exercise can fall off of our list of things to do – it’s hard to find the time or the energy.

But it is worth the time. It’s worth the effort and the re-juggling of priorities to carve out the time we need to go for a walk, run, swim, or to attend an exercise class. Not only does our body benefit, but so does our mind. That stress we’re facing? We become more emotionally and physically resilient, putting us in a much better position to cope with whatever we have on our plate.

We know that stress and certain lifestyle choices will take a physical toll, increasing the likelihood of chronic problems such as high cholesterol, blood pressure and diabetes. Prolonged stress impacts the proper functioning of our immune system. The part of our brain that controls the stress response goes on high alert, continually pumping out stress hormones which leave us susceptible to bacterial or viral infections. Stress can also give rise to temporary or chronic anxiety or depression. We are less able to manage our lives and cope with demands as our energy is drained and our outlook distorted.

Exercise is strongly linked to our state of mind. Physical activity increases the supply of certain mood-enhancing neurotransmitters in the brain, such as endorphins which have an opiate-like effect on reducing pain and creating a sense of well-being. Exercise also releases muscle tension and reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol.(1) Some research studies indicate that regular exercise may be as effective as other treatments (like medication) to relieve mild to moderate depression (it may take at least 30 minutes of exercise a day for at least three to five days a week to significantly improve depression symptoms. But smaller amounts of activity — as little as 10 to 15 minutes at a time — can improve mood in the short term).(2,3) Serotonin is a critical chemical in our body, affecting our sleep, libido, appetite and mood. Research has also found that regular exercise alters serotonin levels in the brain, also improving our mood and outlook.(4)

Maintaining our level of health and regularly engaging in fitness activities is not just important for our physical well-being, it’s critically important to our emotional and mental well-being. That boost in our mood that we experience after exercise reflects an important chemical change that has occurred in our bodies and brain. Once we find an exercise and routine we enjoy, we should encourage ourselves to incorporate it into our daily lives so that we are as strong and resilient as we can be.

Please note: if anxiety, stress, or depression is ongoing and is interfering with your daily living, please seek professional help. Exercise will help these issues, but medication and talk therapy may also be required. Please consult a medical professional when in doubt.

Sources:
(1) Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms, Source: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression-and-exercise
(2) Depression and exercise, Source: http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf
/pages/Depression_and_exercise
(3) Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms, Source: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression-and-exercise
(4) Ibid

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We are creatures affected by our environment, and here in Canada, our environment turns colder and darker in our winter months. Hibernation is one solution; fighting back a sluggish mood with sunlight and exercise is another. Here’s why we want to make the most of our sunny days and get outside for exercise.

Feeling unusually tired, low, and/or anxious? Having problems concentrating, or sleeping and eating more than usual? You are not alone. According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, up to 15% of Canadians (1 in 7) experience symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder.(1) Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year – most commonly, the late Fall/early Winter with the symptoms most intense in the darkest months.(2) It is experienced by people living in areas far north (hello!) or south of the equator where winter days are short and sunlight is in short supply. It affects four times as many women as men, although men’s symptoms may be more severe. Symptoms of SAD include:

• Sleep problems – oversleeping but not refreshed, cannot get out of bed, needing a nap in the afternoon
• Overeating – carbohydrate craving leading to weight gain
• Depression, despair, misery, guilt, anxiety – normal tasks become frustratingly difficult
• Family / social problems – avoiding company, irritability, loss of libido, loss of feeling
• Lethargy – too tired to cope, everything an effort
• Physical symptoms – often joint pain or stomach problems, lowered resistance to infection
• Behavioural problems – especially in young people.(3)

Please note: These symptoms can be tied to a number of conditions. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms for a prolonged period of time, please consult your family doctor or health care professional. Only they can assess and properly diagnose your symptoms.

If you are diagnosed with SAD, treatment may include light therapy, psychotherapy, and/or medication.

If you have not been diagnosed with SAD, but you find your mood and energy still flagging, here’s what you can do to make a difference in how you feel:

• Get outside into the sunlight: Nerve centres and neurotransmitters in our brain control our daily “circadian” rhythms and moods, and are stimulated by the amount of light entering the eyes. In the winter, daylight is shorter, overcast days occur frequently, and we stay indoors more often to avoid the cold. Therefore, our brain doesn’t get exposed to the light that it needs. Evidence has shown that serotonin – a neurotransmitter that regulates mood, sexual desire and function, appetite, and sleep, to name a few – increases with exposure to bright light.(4) Need light? Bundle up and get out for a walk. This is particularly important if you work indoors and come and go to work in the dark. Do your absolute best to get outside during a break, even if it’s for 5 to 10 minutes.

• If the weather won’t allow it, your next best option is to sit near a sunny window, at home or at work. Also, many people use light therapy at home, whereby they sit close to a special light for a specific duration of time each day. A health care professional can help you determine if this is a good option for you.

• As always, exercise! Physical exercise helps relieve stress and anxiety, both of which can increase SAD symptoms.(5) We feel better when we exercise – physically (thanks to endorphins, our feel-good brain chemicals) and emotionally (our self-confidence improves, we’re distracted temporarily from our worries, and because we often exercise with friends, we get connected). It is tough to get into an exercise routine if we’ve been away from it, but the pay-off is great.

Note: In writing this commentary, I have referred to the Mayo Clinic’s informative site on Seasonal Affective Disorder: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195. For more information, please see this site or choose another reputable source.

(1) Seasonal Affective Disorder, Canadian Mental Health Association, http://download.cmha.ab.ca/Edmonton/
Seasonal%20affective%20disorder.pdf)
(2) Seasonal Affective Disorder, Mayo Clinic, www.mayoclinic.com
(3) http://www.lumie.com/help/quick-guides/sad
(4) Ibid
(5) Seasonal Affective Disorder, Mayo Clinic, www.mayoclinic.com

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What do people go through when they lose a job? What do they think about? How do they feel? How about during the search for a new role? As they interview? When they’re at home wondering what the next day will bring?

People ask these questions because they want to know if their feelings and thoughts are normal or typical of what others go through when they have lost their jobs. Is it o.k., they ask, to be feeling sad, or angry, hopeless or excited? How long will they feel this way? What will they feel next?

Leaving one job and looking for a new one is a big deal – whether it is something we decided to do or something that was decided for us. We connect to our jobs, and hopefully, find a healthy level of meaning and satisfaction in what we do. We make relationships with the people we work with, and we invest physical, mental, and emotional energy into what we do. So, when a job ends, we usually experience it as a major change and react to it as we would any other significant loss.

We each react to loss or change in our very own way, depending on our personal situation: our family life, structure, and support system(s); our age and health; our frame of mind before the change; our level of preparedness or anticipation of the change; our past reactions to and experiences with change; and what options we have. Therefore, what we feel, how strongly we feel it, and what we think about will vary from event to event, and from person to person.

That being said, some states of mind are more typical than others. For example, a popular theory developed by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross suggests that people suffering from a terminal illness or another catastrophic loss might experience thoughts and feelings described as the following five stages: “denial”, “anger”, “bargaining”, “depression”, and “acceptance”. Kübler-Ross was very clear that not everyone will experience each of these five stages, nor do these stages have to be experienced in the order in which they are listed. But, this theory is a good place to start. Before we can deal with a particular state of mind, we need to identify it, accept it, and understand it. Borrowing from this theory and applying it to the loss of a job, these five stages might be experienced as follows:

Denial – Either the change or loss hasn’t ‘sunk in’ or we simply choose not to acknowledge it. “I’m fine! “Eh, I’ll think about this next week”. “Nothing’s happened; it’s no big deal!” We deny to ourselves or to others that something significant has occurred. If we acknowledge the event, we minimize the impact it has on us, which allows us to avoid thinking or feeling anything related to the change.

Anger – This is where the language can get colourful. We ask “why me?” and/or are outraged at how unfair the situation is or how wrong the decision was. We can get angry with ourselves as well as others. “I can’t believe those *$#!* did this to me!”, “Those idiots, what are they thinking?”, or “I can’t believe how I screwed up. I’m the idiot!”. The anger felt can be very powerful or it might be mild.

Bargaining – We hope that things can change back to what they were, or we can negotiate a much better outcome. “I bet if I just talked to them and explained, they’d change their mind.” “Maybe if I offer to take a cut in pay they can afford to keep me”.

Depression – We feel sad, regret, fear, and uncertainty. We are weighed down by the change, and don’t feel particularly powerful or able to take action. We feel doubt and perhaps dread. “I don’t know what to do.” “I’m such a loser.” “I don’t know if I’ll be able to find anything else. I’m not qualified for much.”

Acceptance – We come to terms with the change or loss. We do what we can do, and accept what we can’t do anything about. “Okay, this is what I’m going to do.” “I’m focused on moving on. I want to get going.”

We might also expect to feel other emotions or think other thoughts:

Excitement – although the change wasn’t welcome, the opportunity for something new or different looks interesting and inviting.

Relief – we didn’t like the job all that much, but didn’t know how to leave it.

Hurt – perhaps we weren’t consulted about the change or it was made in an abrupt or in a way we think was thoughtless. We were friends with those who made the decision – how could they do this?

Shock or Disbelief – we never saw this coming.

The list goes on. We should expect that a whole range of emotions and thoughts will pass by our internal radar screen. Some will keep moving and others will stop and stay for a while. Some emotions will come and go, only to reappear later when we least expect it. It is very important that we keep this in mind: emotion is just information. It is very useful information, but it is just simply telling us something. Thoughts are also just that – thoughts. They are ideas, conclusions, perspectives, opinions, and they are not always based on facts or are the truths we often decide they are. Therefore, we must be careful not to get tied up in either our emotions or our thoughts – certainly, until we understand and verify them.

If you are in this situation – if you are going through the loss of a job and/or the search for a new role – do your best to move through the frustration, worry, anger, resentment, sadness, excitement, regret, relief, or hurt that you feel. These are states of mind and body that will make themselves known in your job search and will impede or even prevent you achieving success. Roll with the emotions, try to understand them and their cause, and keep moving forward. If you are stuck with a thought or feeling, allow a trusted friend or therapist to help you get ‘unstuck’. As the saying goes, “let go, or be dragged”.

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